This Is Why You Should Hire Me

One night, I drank too much coffee, and wrote a rap song about why you (esteemed news outlet) should hire me:

My Nut Graf is Smaller Than Yours (Hire Me Please)

Bitch my nut graf be ballin’, it’s got every deet,
it’s short, to the point, but it sure ain’t sweet.

I talk a good talk, but my questions are better,
When I be calling sources, I’m a real go-getter.

When I’m chattin’ on the phone, I’m real nice,
But I’m on the record, and my quotes are ice.

My nut grafs, my slugs, my pitches and my briefs,
They be ballin’, they be ballin’, like my copy and my ledes.
My nut grafs, my slugs, my pitches and my briefs,
They be ballin’, they be ballin’,so hire me please?

I know google spreadsheets like the back of my hand,
Data is my bitch, but my data ain’t bland.

I take one look at them stock market stats,
I can tell you if the money is up-down or flat.

I got mad game, I got them data skills,
Watch me viz that data, it’ll give you chills.

My nut grafs, my slugs, my pitches and my briefs,
They be ballin’, they be ballin’, like my copy and my ledes.
My nut grafs, my slugs, my pitches and my briefs,
They be ballin’, they be ballin’, so hire me please?

Slideshows, or blogposts, or on-air interviews,
I can do them all, so I’ll let you choose.

Or maybe you want a ballin’ infographic?
I can do that too, and jack up your traffic!

I’ll learn your stylebook, even when I’m on the run,
I got 99 problems, AP style ain’t one.

My nut grafs, my slugs, my pitches and my briefs,
They be ballin’, they be ballin’, like my copy and my ledes.
My nut grafs, my slugs, my pitches and my briefs,
They be ballin’, they be ballin’, so hire me please?

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